I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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