Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
be right there i have to get my cape
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
