so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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