plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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