i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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