if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
it was like eating out sand paper
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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