I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize