Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
