i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
