i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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