just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Life is so much better after having sex.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
