DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
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