I'm pants shitting drunk right now
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
