Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
