So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
