i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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