Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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