I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
