You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
