My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
