You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
