If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
