I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
