You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
