You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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