just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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