I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
