Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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