i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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