A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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