If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
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So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
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Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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