We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
