I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
