I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
