"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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