I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
