do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Randomize
