I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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