i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
