Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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