The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize