my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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