Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
