I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
