I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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