he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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