He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
