Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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