he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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