I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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