yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
