Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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