if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
