I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
